I am struggling. Trying to find my way. Greg has started his Ironman training and it always leaves me feeling so alone.
I try to tell myself to pretend I am single, what would I do then? Not from the perspective of going out and finding a new man to frustrate the hell out of me some more, but from the perspective of what if I didn't have someone else to put my expectations on?
My genetic line has always been boy crazy. I don't know what age it started for my mom. But pregnant at 17 married and married soon after, I would say she matured early as far as boys go. For me I clearly remember chasing the boys at recess during Kindergarten. I was fascinated, excited and wanted one for my own.
In 2nd grade I remember being completely in-love with Scott Garner. We were seated in groups of 4. We rotated every few weeks or something. I was never happier than when I was seated with Scott and 2 other boys. I was the only girl at a table for 4. Those were my happiest school days. I was miserable when it was time to change. I was never lucky enough to have a rotation like that again. Do you think my teacher was trying to do me a favor?
It continued on with crush after crush until at age 17 (see mom) when I met my first husband during my last year of high school. Married 2 months after graduating and 4 months pregnant I would continue my families legacy.
For me the biggest issue has always been that I place too much on the other person. They are the ones who are going to make me feel good, complete me, and tell me who I am. And I will do whatever it takes so that they will do that for me. It's so messed up on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. The most alarming part is all that energy spent on getting the other person to give me what I want. Logically it makes sense that I should just put all that energy into myself, right?
I have to say watching my 3 year old granddaughter follow in her grandmother's foot steps is an eye opening experience. Her aunt Brittany gave her Justin Bieber doll for her birthday and she is in love. My daughter says she won't play with her barbies but she's loving him. There is a photo of her sleeping with him and I see the look that comes with putting all your hopes into another. And it scares the hell out of me. I want her in playing some sort of sport, yesterday.
I think young girls playing sports is their saving grace and I wish I had played more. I cheerleaded and played softball but that was it. A divine intervention was granted when Denise Hernandez took me under her wing and showed how easy running could be. She was patient and kind when she took me to Robertson Jr High's track one day. She showed me how I could run. She showed me I could do something amazing with my body and that it could give me the same kind of high I got from being boy crazy.
Running sustained me when my life was it's craziest. I could solve all my problems on a long run. I would come home in peace ready to tackle life's stressors. When I was a single parent for 2 years, it literally saved me. I handled a full time job outside the home and then came home to my 2nd full time job of raising 2 kids by myself. And it's the running that I credit with allowing me do that.
When I met Greg who was also a runner and a triathlete we seemed like we were a good fit. But after injury after injury it fell away for me. Besides I had him to give me my high. Ha! That's has to be THE biggest mistake I have made. It's not his job to make me happy and he told me that from almost Day 1.
So now I lost my high from running and I am tired of being disappointed from expectations I should never have placed on my man.
The closest thing I have to running now is hiking. And for now that is what I will do. I will take my loyal companion Jessie and head out on the trails. I am always looking company if you want to join me and I promise not too put any expectations on you!